An Interesting Quote

"Whether you take a doughnut hole as blank space or as an entity unto itself is a purely metaphysical question and does not affect the taste of the doughnut one bit."

- Haruki Murakami (A Wild Sheep Chase)

Stop and be Productive

"You don't always have this opportunity in life. Right now, you can stop and see which way God wants you to go. Sometimes in life, you don't have that chance, because things get busy and you just have to keep on going and doing what you can, without stopping to think about it much. Take this as an opportunity to stop and ask God what He wants you to do."

I wish I had gotten it word for word, but this is as close as I can remember it (Ariel, help?). So today, Ariel and I went out for lunch with our professor Dr. Malandra and his wife Junko. We had a really good time talking and laughing and enjoying the conversation. Dr. Malandra is one of the professors who has given us so much encouragement and so many good memories over the last couple of years, so it was really great to get to spend time with him and Junko outside of the classroom.

I've received a lot of advice from people recently--my cousin Rachel (who is amazing and housed us this weekend in norcal), Buck (another favorite professor), my parents, and many good friends. I'm doing my best to follow their sage advice, and I'm also trying to continue trust in the Lord's provision for me. But what Junko said to us really struck me as profound. It could be the way she said it or the wisdom behind it, but her words really comforted me.

Others have told me that I should enjoy my summer (because once you work, holidays are less frequent), or that things are just slower in this kind of economy. Perhaps I have this feeling that my life has been put on hold until I can find an internship or until I start a grad school program. Junko's words made me feel that my life is still moving, still productive--I want to see this as an opportunity for God to speak to me and show me what direction He is taking me in. I realize I am a product of my culture; I always want to be active and busy and on-the-go. Maybe it is a spiritual discipline in itself to learn to stop, to be silent, to be still before the Lord. Maybe that's the most productive activity of all.

My "popcorn roll" with lobster and avocado.

Ariel's unagi "samurai roll"'

The lovely Junko with the Haiwaiian roll.

Ariel, me, and Dr. Malandra with our tempura ice cream.

Lists, Lists, Lists

OneWord: palm

Palm pilots. Technology is amazing nowadays. Dad just got a smart phone--a blackberry, to be exact; we just taught him how to text message. Only problem, his fingers are too fat for the buttons. He can't type anything.

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I didn't mean to keep doing the OneWord exercises, but I can't help but wonder what the new word for each day might be. It does depress me though; I feel like my creativity is waning faster than even I expected.

After dinner this evening, Chelsea and I decided to go to Barnes and Nobles so she could spend her shiny new gift card. Strangely enough, we caught a solar eclips--I mean, Justin, working in the Music/DVD section. English majors have a way of bumping into one another in bookstores, I suppose. Back to the point. After socializing with Justin, Chelsea and I immediately whipped out our pocket moleskine notebooks to find our recommended books and to add titles and authors to our already lengthy wishlists.

As we were browsing along the aisles of B&N's, I was thinking to myself (actually, now that I think about it, I might have said it out loud to Chelsea), "How do people ever decide what books to buy? There are just so many to choose from." I mean, there's a plethora of genres: Science Fiction, Literature (does that mean old and dead?), Literary Fiction, Non-fiction, Historical, Ethnic, Travel, Self-help, Inspirational, the list goes on and on. Then once you pick a genre, you (or at least I do) become completely overwhelmed by the vast array of options, hardback and paper back, anniversary edition and the author's definitive edition. Me personally--I just go for the ones with the cool covers, whatever happens to catch my eye.

Of course, the arrangement of stores like Borders and B&N's caters to the popular authors with large followings--the John Grishams and Dan Browns and Janet Evanovichs. The people who read their books can go directly to the first few aisles to find the latest; they simply look for the name of their favorite author. The covers even use the same type and layout scheme so they're easier to recognize. I don't doubt that they are very talented writers, but how do people find books that are worth reading penned by someone lesser known (or virtually unknown)? How do they find books of true quality and craftsmanship, not simply good entertainment?

I was considering this puzzling question when I got home tonight. I have two or three people I know who are avid readers and have discriminating taste--people like Ariel (my lovely creative writing roommate) or Buck (my writing professor)--who I often go to for recommendations. Depending on what genre I'm looking for, I think I have at least one person I can ask for suggestions. But even though they're rarely wrong about their selections, I still want to know how other people (the more persnickety readers) choose books for their reading lists. At the same time, I'd like to find books that are shaped by me--by the things I'm interested in or the styles I like.

I started looking at different bookstore websites (try Powell's Books, Borders, Barnes and Nobles) to see their recommendations. I wasn't overly enthused by their featured authors (it's the online version of their storefront layout) or impressed with their bestseller lists. I did, however, stumble upon a different set of lists that might prove more helpful in my search for good books. Each year, new books are given awards for excellence in their respective genres. Here is a small sampling:

-Children's Books - Newberry Medal, Young Reader's Choice Award

-General Non-fiction - National Book Award, Pulitzer Prize

-Literary Fiction - Nobel Prize for Literature, PEN/Faulkner Award, Nat'l Book Critics Circle Award

-Mystery - Edgar Award, Gold Dagger

-Sci-Fi & Fantasy - Hugo Award, Nebula Award

You can search for compiled lists of all the winners, past and present. It may not be a perfect match, but I think it at least gives a good picture of what has been generally acknowledged as good writing. I think it will take awhile before I develop my own way of technique for finding what I want to read. In any case, my list of books to read keeps growing longer and longer. Meanwhile, my shelf-space, and my budget, just can't keep up. Maybe it's time to get a library card.

People change.

OneWord: Coral

Coral is a color, but can it portray a feeling? I think of lipstick, or blush. Or ocean--Australia, perhaps. Hundreds of years of living species accumulating and growing to create something beautiful. To create a color, a feeling.

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That was truly random. I had nothing to say about coral.

In other news, tonight was an interesting night. I drove out to Irvine and had dinner at Fukada, a Japanese restaurant near the Spectrum. The unagi was tender and sweet and yummy, and it went perfectly with the rice. I enjoyed it thoroughly. It was also really good to spend time with a dear old friend from G.A.'s. Back then we had a group of girls who were crazy about basketball; we wore sweats all the time and thought ourselves tomboys. Since then, we've gone to different schools and different jobs and varying levels of girliness--and mostly lost touch with one other. So it was really good to renew an old friendship. Even though we've both grown up a lot, some things never change. We could still laugh and talk as though those 5 or 6 years never happened, only we worry about new things and can share the fascinating experiences we've had. But somehow, the friendship still seems the same.

I was chatting to Edmund the other day about change, about how inevitable it is and how scary it can be. He said change is something that we have to learn to deal with in our lives, and that we have to depend on God in those times of uncertainty or frustration. Tonight I was thinking about how strange it is that I'm 21 and entering adulthood and the working world (or, trying to at least). It's strange that I'm done with undergraduate studies and many of my friends are getting married; some are even having children. So much time has passed since I was in G.A. or AOK. So many things change within the course of even a year or two. I think this is particularly true of friendships.

Some friendships, it seems, change and evolve in such a way that the relationship grows from both sides. As each person interacts with the other, the things that change about them from day-to-day are subtle and perhaps less noticeable. Other relationships seem one-sided. I don't mean in terms of effort. More like, I'm changing and the other person doesn't seem to be, or I'm stagnant and the other person is dynamic. And I have some friendships that seem to be frozen in time, until I can thaw them out and develop them. I suppose there are even friendships where we just drift apart or lose touch all together. There are so many variables when it comes to people--time, distance, commitment, environment, vulnerability, extenuating circumstances--sometimes it's hard to tell who to invest in or which relationships will last.

Of course, there are times I'm completely disappointed, yet, at this very moment, I feel so blessed by so many people. I have a prayer partner in Singapore, brothers and sisters in Malaysia, students and friends in Hong Kong, my second home church in London, Lit Wits and roommates from Biola, and galvanting buddies (as my dad affectionately coined them) from elementary, junior high, and high school. On top of all that, there are former teachers, counsellors, and professors who still care about me and want to know how I'm doing. Sometimes I get really frustrated with human beings in general, but I think--or rather, hope--that God is developing in me a heart for the people He has placed in my life.

The other thing I'm learning is that I have to trust God that people can change. I want to believe that He can transform my heart and mind to be more like His. That Jesus can impact the lives of those I love and care for. My dad always jokes that we never really believe that God can change people. "Oh, that person won't ever change," is something we say inwardly or subconsciously, if not out loud. But I believe that God is always pursuing us, always at work in our lives. He made us malleable, flexible, teachable. We can change because God gave us the ability to do so. So in the end, people change.

One Word: Lazy

I did another one of those OneWord exercises. This is what I came up with in 60 seconds:

The summer is a lazy time of the year. You would think that the heat of day would make molecules knock against each other faster--that there would be more movement. Instead, everything slows down, lingers and simmers.

Maybe because it's summer, or maybe because it's a common human struggle--lately I've talked to a lot of different people about laziness. Summer is--for me, at least--the most difficult season to fight my propensity for being lazy. During the school year, I'm more like a workaholic, but whether it's the heat or the lack of immediate responsibility, I really enjoy doing nothing during summer. Perhaps I feel like I'm always rushing around, always busy, so I deserve a few glorious hours of stillness and inactivity.

This summer, however, is a little different from all its predecessors. First, this summer isn't necessarily a well-deserved holiday in preparation for another stressful semester. Second, there is some urgency for me to find some direction career-wise. Third, I believe that God appoints a time of rest and a time of work for us; it is our responsibility to learn how to balance them in a way that glorifies God.

For the next couple months, I want to make good use of the time I have, both for leisure and for work. As Sam always reminds me, "I don't want to waste my life." It's not so much about wasting my life, but about using my life as productively as possible for God's Kingdom.

The things I have been doing (including, but not limited to):
- Exercising regularly - Elizabeth and I have been getting together 3 or 4 times a week to go running or swimming. I think taking care of my health is as much of a spiritual discipline as anything else.
- Reading - If I want to be a good writer, I have to be an avid reader. I'm basically reading anything I can get my hands on. Recommendations are more than welcome.
- Building/maintaining relationships - Much to my surprise, I have been able to connect with good friends and reconnect with old ones, as well as keep in touch with international friends. That has been quite a blessing--I've been working hard to learn how to love people better, and I think I've been encouraged in return.

The things I would like to do (in no particular order):
- Write more - I need to write, write, write...and when I get tired of it, I need to write some more. Any ideas?
- Get an internship - Please pray for patience, wisdom, and God's timing.
- Learn to cook - I keep saying it, but I find it's hard to motivate myself to actually try it.
- Clean my room - This is another intimidating task. It entails everything from unpacking boxes of stuff from my dorm/apartment; cleaning out my closet, desk, and bureau; redecorating my walls; reorganizing all of my books; re-filing all of my papers; throwing out and donating everything else...oh the woes of a pack rat.
- Wash my car - I need to clean it out and get it washed.

I've been meaning to put together this list for awhile. The problem with putting things down is that you have to face them. But maybe that's what I need if I want to honor God with my time. Hopefully, the rest of this summer will be anything but lazy.

The Problem of Passion

This week, I was scrounging around my bookshelves for something new to read, and I stumbled on my brother's copy of Fahrenheit 451. I finished reading it last night, discovering that Garrett had bought the 50th anniversary edition complete with an afterword, a coda, and an interview with Ray Bradbury. A couple of the things he said really stood out to me. When asked about his novel, Bradbury said, "I wrote the book because I love writing. All my stories are written in bursts of passion." And about being a writer, he replied, "you're either in love with what you do, or you're not in love."

Coincidentally, the same night I finished Fahrenheit, I had also reconnected with Brandy, an old friend from junior high and high school. As we were catching up on everything from the last several years--school, relationships, future, life in general--the subject of work and passion came up. So I was thinking: what is passion?

Part of me envies the people I see around me who have a certain talent or a particular passion which they can earnestly pursue. Evaluating my own life, I could only think of two or three things about which (I think) I'm passionate.

1.) Passion for God. I want to be passionate for His Word. I want to align my will to His. I want to be moved by the things which move Him, to grieve over what causes Him sorrow and rejoice in what brings joy to His heart. I want to be passionately jealous for His glory. I want to passionately worship Him with my life. I want Jesus Christ to be my greatest, most evident, most intense passion.

2.) Passion for words. Perhaps this is why I related so well to Fahrenheit and to Bradbury's sentiments. Words have played such a significant role in my life. I have such an uneasy grasp on them, yet they have an uncanny, almost supernatural hold on me. I never cease to be amazed at the gift of language that God has created and blessed us with. Words have carried His message of love to us through the prophets, through Scripture, through prayer. They help us communicate ideas and perspectives, care and affection. I have always loved to read; I am beginning to love writing--something I find both intimidating and enthralling.

3.) Passion for food and travel. I love meeting people and tasting cultures. I love the adventure, the spontaneity, the broadening of my world. I could go on and on...

On the other hand, I have always struggled with my natural predilection towards dispassion (it's safer, somehow). I question whether we can actually choose our passions, or whether it's possible to develop specific interests into passions. How much of our passions are God-given, and how much is our own initiative? For example, I think there are times that I don't feel passionate about my relationship with the Lord, but the Christian life requires commitment regardless of my emotions. And I know I still have so much to learn as a writer; talent without discipline and hard work will get me nowhere. But can discipline and hard work truly translate into greater passion? That being said, the first two passions on my list are those I really wish to nurture.

Honestly, I don't think there's a simple answer to the question of passion--we cannot diminish God's sovereignty nor should we negate our own responsibility. Our passions reflect who we are and what is in our heart. I may not be able to say definitively that I have passion, but someday I pray that the Lord will commend me for being a good steward of the gifts, resources, and even passions, that He has so graciously granted me.

Dedicated to Edmund Ngo

HEARTBEAT

I could feel my heartbeat pounding inside my chest. I wondered how it felt to have a pacemaker control your heart, instead of raging teenage hormones. He was so cute.

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So, last night, my good friend Edmund and I were talking about returning to our blogs (aspiring writers must keep writing!). So Ed pulled up this nifty little site called One Word: it generates a word, then gives you 60 seconds to write whatever first comes to mind. You can submit and see what other people have written based on that single word.

I actually find it very difficult to write off the cusp. Being a slightly obsessive-compulsive, perfectionistic sort of girl, I prefer to take my time to plan, craft and edit. This semester I took a course in novel-writing; I discovered just how difficult creative writing is and how many skills I still need to acquire.

The other comment Ed made was about the beauty of technology. Even though we are about 8,735 miles (14,058 km) away, we can still do fun things together. As an aside, I am so thankful for Edmund's friendship, faithfulness, and encouragement. I love having friends all over the world, and I can't wait to go back to Malaysia to visit. So Edmund, this post is dedicated to you.