Spiritual discipline and laundry

I’ve just washed all of my laundry, and I have 40 minutes before the clothes come out of the dryer. The delicates and pants are sitting next to me, drying on the rack, or hanging up on my door to air dry.

It has been an interesting day, though there’s still much left to do before I go to bed. Today feels like it’s been very productive—I attended chapel, ran seven laps for Fitness Walking and Jogging, took a shower, read all five of my Contemporary Literary Theory assignments for this week, read two chapters for Magazine and Freelance writing, read two chapters for my British Mystery class, read a magazine article and wrote a summary, scanned and emailed notes from Sunday’s meeting, washed three loads of laundry, cooked dinner and washed dishes, and now I’m writing today’s journal entry.

I have this great sense of accomplishment, marking off all those boxes on my lengthy to-do list. But despite all that, I still have so many things hanging over my head. I have three really huge things due next week, all on the same day. And I have my website proposal and presentation this Wednesday. I’m planning on heading over to the Library as soon as that’s done to do some research.

I’m not really sure why I decided to write something so boring and tedious. I’m sitting alone in my room; my three roommates have settled down in the living room to work on each of their respective reading assignments. We’ve had a lot of lively conversation (mostly about literary theory) and some good horsing around (mostly yelling at each other using terminology we’ve gathered from literary theory) tonight.

This is what I always imagined college life would be like—discussing intellectual topics, cooking and eating together, joking around, sharing what we’re learning or what we’re going through. And I want to say that I’m satisfied.

But I sense a vague, inexplicable sense of discontentment growing within me. I think part of it is the constant strain of deadlines and assignments and worries. I hate feeling like I’m always behind, always playing catch up. It’s frustrating to feel like I make no progress no matter how hard I work to be disciplined.

I enjoy school, my professors, and my classes; I love learning and growing. I don’t mind some challenges and difficult assignments, because they stretch and mature us. I just can’t deal with the constant heavy workload and never-ending to-do list. I’ve always enjoyed routine, and usually I only need one or two weeks to get into the groove of things.

This semester though, there are a lot of other things I’d rather do. I wish I had enough leisure time to just sit and rest in God’s presence, to enjoy reading my Bible or spending time in prayer. I have to sacrifice precious sleep in order to make time to have my quiet time now.

I wish I could dedicate more energy into learning Chinese—whether it be watching more dramas in Mandarin or taking a class at the community college. As it stands right now, the two hours I spend for each Sunday class is probably more than I should be spending, considering how much work I need to get done each weekend.

I want to spend more time developing my relationship with my apartment-maters, or working on my freelance writing. I’d love to schedule lunch, dinner, or coffee with the friends I haven’t seen in ages. I want to enjoy what I’m reading and learning, or at least have time to process and internalize some of it.

Part of the problem may be that I’m living in the future again, anticipating vacation (I’m thinking cruise to Mexico) with my family for Spring Break, seeing my cousin get married in April, visiting Malaysia this summer, maybe spending time with Margaret in Spain, hopefully studying abroad in London…or thinking even further—applying for an internship at a magazine, graduating from Biola, starting a career, perhaps moving overseas.

The possibilities are endless; the only problem is that I don’t have much control over any of them. It’s like today’s chapel speaker said: I must place my life in God’s hands if I really want to see what it’s supposed to become. I can’t hold on too tight to my own life or try to fight Him for control of my future.

I’ve never been very good about living in the here and now. But this is what God has given to me to do right now, at this very moment in time. The measurement of my success, as Jeff said on Sunday, is how faithful I am to my calling.

I guess ultimately it isn’t about what I want. That’s part of what we’re learning about in our small group Bible study. Spiritual discipline is about placing our own will lovingly before God, in submission to Him, whenever and wherever we may be in life. Right now, for example, is time for me to collect and fold my laundry.