Everything in moderation

What is it about being human that makes us feel that we must identify ourselves with a particular group—be it ethnic, political, philosophical, ideological, athletic, or whatever else? What draws us to label ourselves as such-and-such, to cling to that name as though it were really our own? How do non-conformists escape labeling themselves as non-conformist?

What about the other extreme? There are those who shirk away from claiming any sort of name or label that makes them feel that they must commit themselves to this particular school of thought or that individual worldview. Can they truly be neutral, or are they just afraid of the consequences that go with taking sides?

Growing up, my mom always encouraged me to seek moderation in everything, with certain very important exceptions (i.e. salvation by faith alone through grace alone). But for the most part, if there was a middle ground to be found, that was where I wanted to plant my feet. Not because I don’t have convictions or because I don’t want to offend people, but because I see the wisdom in it.

Right now I’m struggling with feeling like I’m not intellectual enough, or I’m not as mature as I should be. By no means am I trying to say that I am, in fact, intellectual or mature. Because that isn’t necessarily true at all. But I’ve let my own reflection of myself become skewed. I’m seeking to rectify this problem in my own mind.

My reason for feeling out of the loop, I believe, is that I don’t know how to be anyone but myself. I try to base what I believe on what makes sense to me. Is it Biblical? Does it sound rational? Can I live my life in light of that? I never hold to anything because someone else does. Even if it’s someone I respect or admire.

There are things that I discover just suit me—like being Chinese. It’s something that was inherent in me all along; I just never chose to explore it. But I won’t disqualify my very American upbringing. Just because I want to learn Cantonese or Mandarin doesn’t mean I don’t still love the English language. My excitement over Asian culture hasn’t replaced my interest in European culture.

Or take Theology, I told Ariel tonight that I don’t really see myself as a strict Calvinist, though I don’t think I’d ever call myself an Arminian, either. I think in their (very) purest forms, both have their place Biblically within Christian doctrine. If we over-emphasize one, we risk losing the important truths that the other proclaims.

I wouldn’t classify myself as a staunch Southern Baptist (I’m willing, however, to associate myself with the Southern Baptist convention), though I think in doctrine and perspective, I do align more closely with them than with any other Protestant group.

That’s one of those weird things about being at Biola. We’re at a Christian school, but the fact that it’s non-denominational means that we’re still forced to re-examine everything that we believe and why we believe what we do.

There are a lot of things I hold to that I think makes people look at me and think that I’m weirdly conservative. I don’t mean to be conservative or not liberal—I just think some things are Biblical and some things aren’t. If that means I’m not very progressive, then so be it. If that means I’m old-fashioned, or un-intellectual, then so be it.

To be honest, I’ve become very comfortable with living by my own convictions, my own opinions, my own thoughts. I’m so comfortable with who I am, sometimes, that I don’t feel any pressure or need to seek a clearer definition of myself. It’s almost made me uncomfortable to be around people who do feel that need and that pressure.

That’s not to say that I think I’m perfect. I don’t want to be misconstrued. I just think that I have a very low inclination for the kind of soul-searching or intellectual-aligning that is common to most college students (minus, of course, the ones whose inclination is completely replaced by frivolous, wasteful, and meaningless activity).

There are still a lot of things in my life—or aspects of who I am—that I am less than pleased with. I’m sure I’m more self-deprecating, in my own way, than is healthy or helpful. There are things about myself that I absolutely despise, detest, abhor…I could go on and on.

The difference, then, is that I’ve at least come to grips with the fact that I’m stuck with me, whether I like me or not. There have been times in my life when that thought has driven me to despair. But I feel like I’m in a place in my life where I can—no, must—go on being me, no matter what.