Rain and Restlessness

Tonight, Professor Harmon let us out of class an hour and a half early (because the next assignment we have to do is really intense). Upon my return to the apartment, I proceeded to sit on the living room couch with my literary theory textbook and try—hopelessly—to understand Derrida.

Around nine, I began to hear yelling and pounding on doors; it was a fire drill. Fortunately, it was a short exercise, and John (our RC) had a gargantuan bucket of Red Vines to comfort us as we stood out in the damp, chilling cold. As soon as I made it back into our wonderfully heated apartment, my roommate Janelle walked in.

I was so proud of myself: I cooked dumplings to go along with our reheated chow mein. During our dinner, I confessed to Janelle that I was feeling restless. I haven’t felt like this in a long time—living in the apartment with Janelle, Meli, and Ariel has been like a dream for me. Or, at least, the fulfillment of one of my old dreams.

Let me briefly explain. When I was in junior high, I read through the entire Anne of Green Gables series. In the fourth book, Anne of Windy Poplars, Anne is a university student. She and three of her friends live in a small cottage, where they sit by their fireplace in the evening to read together, or do household chores together, or get into scrapes together.

This past summer, I reread all eight of the books through again. This dream of mine, of living with my good girlfriends and just sharing life together, has never left me. And reading it a second time rekindled the dream for me. But it never occurred to me that I would be here, now, living with three of my closest girlfriends at Biola, enjoying apartment life together.

So, for the last several weeks, despite my hectic, stressful course-load, I’ve been very thankful for the way God has blessed me this semester. But today, for some inexplicable reason, I felt very restless and discontent.

I think it might have been the light rain and dreary gray clouds overhead today that put me in such a strange mood. Or perhaps it was meeting up with my professor and talking to her about my plans and ambitions for the future—how much they’ve changed since I’ve entered college. Thinking about all of the possibilities and uncertainties still before me can be daunting.

Sometimes, I think I mistake restlessness as an itch to travel. But I just went to Hong Kong this summer, and I know that my family is planning a vacation for Spring Break this year (we haven’t traveled anywhere in a long time). I just finished the application for Biola London, too, so traveling is in the very near future for me, so that doesn’t seem like a reasonable cause for discontent.

Another possible—but highly unlikely—reason may be that I’m feeling a lack of romance in my life. Frankly speaking, I have very little interest in boys (except of the popstar persuasion) right now, and I don’t have time even if I was interested. But despite the romance of living in an apartment with the girls, I feel very keenly the lack of romance in my life.

I believe that God is in control of my love life—He has planned for me the right person, the right time, and the right way. I’m not looking for my Gilbert (another Anne reference for those of you who didn’t catch it) because I trust that the Lord will bring him to me. But I’m still a normal female with normal female inclinations. So maybe what I’m feeling is a little post-Valentine’s Day depression.

Ultimately, I know that I have to live my life one day at a time and trust God with the rest. I know that I must learn to find my contentment in my relationship with God—in who He is—before I can be a content traveler, writer, editor, entrepreneur, girlfriend, wife, mother, friend, or follower of Jesus Christ. Whether it rains or not.